Fear
by Kenzie-Kinnity
Summary: It's funny; it never occurred to her that she would be the one leaving. That Marissa would be crying her name because their relationship is gone. Minx, Femslash


Dear goodness I've been looking at this chapter in this book for hours and I still couldn't tell you what an MPO or whatchamahoozit is. Intro to Business is not good for my brain. Anywho, I came up with this angst-y one-shot, I hope you lovely people don't kill me. I'm thinking of a companion piece to it but I'm not sure. Let me know what you think?

**Summary:** It's funny; it never occurred to her that she would be the one leaving. That Marissa would be crying her name because their relationship is gone.

**Pairing:** Minx

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><p>She waits. She waits for it to end, for their relationship to blow up and then fizzle out in smoke and dust. She can already smell the soot of their failure even though it hasn't happened yet. She's not fooled; by the smiles and the declarations of love. They are still in the honeymoon phase after all. They've been together six months now, living together officially for a month. It's moments like right now, in the dead of night, when her imagination runs wild. She pictures her and Marissa getting into some giant fight about something or other and then her sleeping with Maggie and Marissa with a man. She hates that her mind goes there but she's being realistic. Marissa isn't actually gay, or even bisexual she doesn't think, so it would be logical for her to be drawn to a man. And well...she'd never completely stop loving Maggie. Hello, they were BAM or whatever the hell Kendall used to call them. She can see it but she makes a vow. This time, she's going to keep her best friend. No matter the animosity they're going to work it out and be friends because that she can't handle. A break up is fine, she's a grown woman and she can bounce back. It's just losing a best friend that almost breaks her. So no matter what, she and Marissa will be friends. She feels it.<p>

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><p>she's still waiting for it to happen. Even though Marissa pulls her closer in her sleep at night now. Despite those smiles that Marissa gives her every morning when they see each other. She even ignores the way she still gets butterflies whenever they make love which lately, is more often than usual. Then again, she notices Marissa has a lot of excess energy in the winter months and really, she's still young and she has a very healthy sex drive. But that doesn't stop her from expecting it. She figures, it's been a year now so it's only a matter of time, right?<p>

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><p>she and JR are friends. Okay, so maybe that's not exactly surprising. They grew up together and at one point, he was her confidante. But now, after everything, they're friends, good friends even. The kind that have lunch on a regular basis and plot ways to put their parents in nursing homes because seriously, Erica Kane needs to sit her ass down somewhere. She's not thirty-nine anymore despite her protests otherwise but Bianca digresses. She and JR had started to mend things a year and a half into Marissa's relationship and now, four years in, they were best friends. She catches JR watching her closely most days, seeing that shadow in her eyes. He's seen her relationships build and fail, he knows she's waiting. So he waits with her, even though he's sure they're going to last.<p>

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><p>she wonders if tonight is the night she's been waiting for. She and Marissa hadn't had a fight; no this had been an all out war. And what had brought on this war? Well none other than the holiday season. For once in the years since they'd known each other, Maggie, Reese, and JR were all available for the holiday. JR figured they could all get together as one big extended family, that way everyone was included. The problem? Well Maggie and Reese hated each other and despite the kids, they fought like cats and dogs. Marissa hated both of them and didn't want them in her home. The Kane family hated both of them and didn't want them in Pine Valley. Bianca reminded all of them that they are the parents of her children and she can't just very well keep them away from their kids. Then Marissa had suggested that they wait until the days before and after Christmas and Bianca had vetoed that idea right quick. In hindsight, Bianca wonders if maybe she hadn't been a little quick to jump on her answer but there was no way she was going to keep the girls from their mothers on Christmas. Just like there was no way in hell those two women would ever keep Marissa away from them on the holidays. So it'd started with an argument and just went all to hell from there. Marissa had stormed out, angry and not wanting to say something she would regret but then she spoke again and they both said things they regretted. Marissa used Reese against Bianca and Bianca used Maggie against Marissa. And now, after six years of being together, Bianca wondered if that wasn't the end of them. It sure felt like it, but then again it could have just been the anger talking.<p>

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><p>It had been the anger. Two days later, they both apologize and Marissa all out laughs in Bianca's face when the other woman said she thought it was over. According to Marissa, 'after six years there's no way in hell she's letting Bianca go now. And she's not above stalking, because JR and Kendall had her back.'. If she weren't so happy, that statement would worry her. And for the record, making up is still as fun as it was the first time.<p>

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><p>Now she's sure this is it. She cut Marissa, deeper than she ever had in the past and she wasn't trying too. But she couldn't, wouldn't agree to Marissa's marriage proposal. A part of her is still gun shy, despite the fact that she's been divorced for at least nine years or so. But she's still terrified that Marissa will realize she wants a man more and leave her high and dry. She knows she's being ridiculous, but that doesn't change the fact. Even her children think she's being crazy. Especially AJ. He's the most open and honest and quick to tell her. Miranda and Gabby just latch on to Marissa. It takes a week of Marissa sleeping in a guest room before AJ's had enough,<p>

"Ma." he says simply, walking into her office. It still catches her off guard when he calls her that and she's sure he picked it up from Reggie, but all of them call her that and it doesn't bother her.

"Yes?" she responds, looking up.

"Why wont you marry Mom?" he asks simply. She opens her mouth and he raises an eyebrow, "And if you lie that means you owe five bucks to the fib jar." he reminds her. She sighs,

"AJ, I just..." she searches for her words and he leans forward his eyes soft,

"Can I tell you something?" he asks. She nods and he takes a breath, "Bobby's been crying to me for two weeks cos one of his dads left the other for a woman." he says finally. Bianca's face shows her surprise,

"But-"

"I know, they were as gay as the day is long." he says with a shrug. "But this woman comes along and he fell for her and he can't turn it off. He shouldn't have too." he continues, "Does it suck? Heck yeah, I mean he's breaking up with his husband of like a hundred years. But he can't help it if he loves her." he says finally.

"AJ, what's your point?" she asks finally. He rolls his eyes,

"My point is that Mom can't turn it off. She loves you even though she only dated men before you." he shrugs, "You're not a woman to her, she's not gonna just jump on a guy and like, maul him or whatever. You're a human...you're Ma." he adds, "So stop worrying and thinking she's still internally freaking and marry her already. You know you wanna." he says. She sighs, she really had to get him some juice that made him dumb or something. He was too smart.

"I'm not worried." she lies. He snorts,

"Five bucks." he stands and leaves without another word.

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><p>So maybe she's wrong. Maybe there wont be an end until she's old and gray and in her little old lady rocking chair. Maybe she's been worried for no reason. Maybe she's been happy for the past twenty years because this was how it was all supposed to play out. It's possible that she's just afraid of being happy, even still. Thankfully, its not on an open level. It's hidden, beneath everything. Sometimes, in the dead of night, she still expects it to happen. She guesses its just one of those fears she's never conquered. Marissa told her once that she was often afraid Bianca would leave her for someone famous and worth her time. Bianca just snorts at that memory now; like anyone could be more perfect for Bianca than her fiery redhead. No, she's finally learning to accept that she's wrong. She and Marissa are probably not ending; at least not through a break up.<p>

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><p>"I swear if you die I'll kill you." Marissa's desperate voice tells her as they make their way to the hospital. Bianca speaks, well she does in her mind. She promises she's not leaving her, that she wont leave her until they're one hundred and have plenty of grand-babies and maybe great grand-babies to spoil. Not now, when they're just shy of fifty and still young. Not like this, by some fool who got angry at the Miranda Center. She smiles, at least she thinks she does and thinks back on their twenty two and a half years together. There have been ups and downs and a constant fear in the bottom of her heart and the back of her mind. That Marissa would come to her senses and leave her.<p>

It's funny; it never occurred to her that she would be the one leaving. That Marissa would be crying her name because their relationship is gone. Not until now, not until she sees the flashlight above her and the feeling of falling. Not until her vision starts to blur. She idly wishes that she could have all of those nights of fear back.


End file.
